Time seems to run so fast. Feels like only a week or two ago we were in week 16. Half way gone now, probably a bit more. I can't help but love and admire the constant progress and physical changes. I feel I was made to do this, like it's the thing my body was just waiting to have me go through.
Having left the uncomfortable weeks of 7-10 far behind with its tiredness, nausea and the mental challenges of deciding whether to keep the baby or not, with someone I barely knew at the time, I have ever since then been feeling really good without any nausea. When my mind started to relax in the idea of this actually becoming reality, it appears as if the various physical burdens dropped as a result.
I don't have very many questions about the pregnancy. The information I look for is found out more from a curiosity perspective. I like reading about home birth stories, it has revealed such a contrast to how we have all our lives been told the birthing experience will feel like. We read them out loud here together in the evenings. Or he reads, I lay down next to him eyes closed envisioning the feelings, sounds, emotions of the day of meeting my child for the first time. Everyday feeling the process in, making it a part of me, much before it happens. Visualisation is so important.
I believe that we as human beings with our millions of years of gene development behind us, are born for certain things. Things that are crucially important for the growth and protection of our species. Being pregnant and giving birth is one such thing. The bodies we inhabit are made to master it so perfectly that there isn't any intervention needed. And no need to stress or worry about it. As the formula for making such a process run naturally and flawlessly has been written within our DNA from way back in ancient times. Exactly the way animals, all of them with smaller brains, just go for it when it is their time. No questioning. Just doing it. There is an immense amount of wisdom written within our gene composition on this subject. And I believe if we just relax into that understanding, it will all unfold exactly as it is meant to.
Surrendering to the experience is the most harmonious way I can think of. As with most things beautiful in life. Not letting the mind come in between. Letting it all unfold, step by step. Falling into place.
Besides feeling immensely grateful, I am a tad more tired in the evenings, may also be because I work a bit more than I have done in recent 12 months. Feeling energized and pumped to get as much done as I can before the babe arrives.
Due to pressure on my bladder I tend to run to the bathroom every 3 hours during most nights, which occasionally gives me a wacky sleeping pattern. My nose is runny in the nights too and I wake up each morning feeling stuffed up for the first 30 minutes of the day before I've blown, what feels like, my whole brain out. Much extra mucus seems to accumulate now that there are higher levels of oestrogen and progesterone circulating in my body. Those hormones increase the blood flow, also to the mucus membrane in the nose. Which then swell and soften, leading to a stuffy nose.
I love watching my belly grow. And my boobs fill up. Making them soft, round and heavy like never before. I admire how my body is changing to accommodate the growth of my child. It is such an intensely beautiful and mind blowing process. What women go through, to give life to every human being on the planet. I feel powerful in that, and that my life has suddenly connected to the truest purpose.
I spend time watching, touching and admiring my body. Feeling all of it for what it is. If there is a time in life for women to release any pressure on how they look and feel, it must be during these nine months. This is what we were made for. Not holding our bellies in and being concerned with our looks. But to let it all out while being grateful for every inch, for they are all there for a reason.
My admiration for the human body and how beautiful it is, makes me feel silly about the meaningless pressure I have put on myself in the past. How could I ever have given so much meaning to belly fat or a couple tiny scars on my cheek. Such minuscule issues in contrast to what our bodies can create: A human life, with its own consciousness.
I recently read about another perspective on the concept of conception. We are born to believe in the idea that the egg is patiently awaiting the strongest sperm to penetrate her in order for a human being to begin taking form. An idea that fits into our modern, industrial lives full of competition and which I'm sure many, men in general, like to hold onto as a universal belief. But apparently this is not very correct biologically speaking, and this idea is just an old cultural myth that later turned into a scientific myth as they often do.
Apparently the sperm are weak swimmers, and the stronger ones help the weaker ones through the uterine mucous. Similar to the way that migrating birds or a team of cyclists take turns leading the way. As the sperm arrive at the egg, it is the egg that chooses the sperm and pulls it towards her. Making the process of conception more of a collaboration rather than a conquest. With the egg being in charge.
Definitely an idea I enjoy entertaining. There are many male-skewed beliefs and ideals that have perpetuated our history. It is obvious at least to me that the female body is made the most enduring and capable. Our precious, strong, beautiful bodies that create all life that exist, that have ever existed in the history of humanity. If women only believed in themselves more, and understood what immense power they possess. How our gentle nurturing qualities could save this world from so many disasters, if we weren't busy with all sorts of mindless distractions that have been brought upon us. And accepted by us.
I haven't changed my diet anything in particular except for added extra iron through Blutsaft. My cravings are oranges, the juicier the better. Clementines work well too. Anything that's moist and naturally sweet is golden. Also dying for a good vegetarian burger every now and then. In week 7-10 I was all into grilled chicken (never eat chicken normally) and meat burgers (very rarely eat meat otherwise). If my body then required meat due to iron deficiency perhaps, my body now seems to dig hydration and nourishment through healthier options. Again, I believe since my mind is calm, I, or my body, makes healthier choices as a result.
We had our final 19 week scan the other week and chose to turn away our heads when the midwife checked so that the genitals were developing well. We don't want to find out the gender. It truly does not matter if it's a boy or a girl. I see massive and equal benefits and challenges with both. And I wouldn't want to miss out on that extra surprise moment at birth. The way women got to experience it back in the days.
I long for the actual birth like I've never longed for anything before. Cannot wait to experience the pain and the beauty of delivering my baby this side of the world. I know that many women fear the pain of labour but there isn't one bit of fear within me and I'm neither too interested in listening to any more painful horror birth experiences nor interested in any sort of pain relief. Except for massage, and hot water around my body in the form of a heated birthing pool or a bathtub.
I'm doing lots of mental work, and calm, deep breathing practice to make myself a friend with the pain that I may experience, so it won't arrive as the greatest surprise. And so that I may have a better chance to remain in a state of peace throughout the process.
Pain is such an important part of life. Going through painful moments is what brings you the best rewards. I'm rarely afraid of pain or hard work when needed. Rather I fear to not feel reality properly. I want my life to be lived raw and real, in all aspects.
I remember when I was about to set sail around the world on a 35 foot boat with my ex. And people used to ask me if I was afraid, of storms and waves and being out there in the middle of nowhere for weeks on end. And I honestly couldn't think of anything to be afraid of. It felt like the most natural thing to do. So many had crossed oceans before me. Boats are built to move graciously through water. Being alone out at sea with stars above your head and a rich sea life underneath your keel while having all the time in the world to contemplate life - that must be the most beautiful and fulfilling thing in the world, I thought.
Of course if I put my mind towards thinking of the half sunken containers that had fell off ships. And the slight possibility of us losing our keel to a supernatural power, well I could provoke within me a sense of fear for a moment. But why would I voluntarily bring that sort of stress to my mind.
The sail across the Atlantic ocean was one of the most interesting and challenging trips of my life and there was a moment during a storm with 45 knots of wind nearing 50, and 7-8 meter following seas that kept building and lasted a couple days where I felt a tad doubtful. But all I could do was bring myself back to the sense of trust that I began the journey with. The faith in the process, faith in the boat, faith in my partner and faith in myself.
Similarly I have faith in the pregnancy and the day of delivery. I know this is what I am meant to be doing. Billions of women have done it before me for millions of years. My body is technically mastered and perfectly shaped for this. It is preparing for it all day, everyday, even while I am not aware of it. There is nothing I need to do to make it work as it should. It is automatically wired within my system.
This baby also seems to arrive at the best age and time of my life, so there can be no doubt in me that the experience will be the most beautiful and fulfilling day of my life. Regardless of how long it takes or how much pain is involved.
If pain is what I am supposed to feel in order to meet my child, I welcome that pain with all of my heart. There is no reason nor desire to numb the pain away. We aren't normally given more pain than we can deal with anyways, and I trust that belief also in this case.
As at any time in life, I believe it to be good practice for the mind to not invite stress. To instead focus on the things that bring you a good and harmonious feeling. We have nine months to familiarize ourselves with the baby and the pregnancy. I feel so connected to him or her already. Through the constant moving, pushing and kicking. The continuously growing love and devotion I feel for our family and the purpose we continue to shape. The plans and dreams we discuss. Through the daily conversations we have about raising our child. What values we hope to instil. How we want our home birth to unfold. She or he is already here with us, constantly making us into better people. Constantly making us ask ourselves the questions we need to have found true answers to. In order to best be able to serve, protect and guide our child.
As for names, we aren't thinking of nor planning any of it at this stage. We would first like to meet and get to know the new family member. Feels backwards to decide on a name before we have even met. We have no clue of how she or he looks and behaves and what energy will be brought into our world. I think a name may be more personal and meaningful when it is somewhat connected to the personality, or to an event connected to its birth. So until we know who it is my body has been shaping and creating over the nine moths, we won't know much more about him or her than what we can feel intuitively.
The only half-concern that sometimes crosses my mind, and not even very seriously: Is there enough space in there for my babe? It's funny that that is my only concern, as that is what is so very important to me in my own life too. To have adequate space to move and breathe. So not to feel claustrophobic or pressured.
I look forward to having the child on this side of the world, and give him or her all the room for expansion and growth as it needs. It may be our child, but it is also its own person with its own mission on earth. Important to give them all the love and strength they need and require. But equally important to also sit back and allow her or him to grow into whatever they need to, for its own individual development.
We don't own our children. They are their own.