Sometimes you need to get lost to find yourself

I left my tiny studio on Park Ave 1941 and the heat of Miami Beach in December 2015 (see pics from that flat here). One whole year in Miami, who would have thought. I surely never did. Miami had always been a place for me that you visit, maybe for a weekend or maximum a week, and then not so much more. I ended up there, as some of you may remember, due to an opportunity for a business, which I ended up abandoning as I had to realise that it wasn't what I was meant to be doing in life (Read about that decision here). It proved to be one of the best decisions of my life. Not only considering all that has happened since then, but mostly due to the fact that I again aligned myself with what is truly important to me at the core.

There were sides to Miami that I enjoyed, the warmth especially, a few friends that I had and the ones I made there, and the valuable insights about myself that life provided due to me not being so happy there.

Had some good times, especially with this sweet little butterfly.

In Miami it's easy to fall into a beachy, superficial life tainted with palm trees, expensive juices, acai bowls, whole foods addiction, pool parties, colourful cocktails and late night adventures. Maybe a casual yoga class here and there.

Despite being a part time introverted person who needs lots of time (most of my time) to myself, I have always had it easy (too easy) to fall back into the superficial social life of my past, if the surroundings I happen to be in tempt me too hard with it.

I had it under somewhat control there. I was after all 32 now, not the 24 year old who thought moving to Dubai was the answer to my life's questions. Nor the 26 year old who dined and partied all night, all morning five days a week in Barcelona before I got saved by a teetotal sailor. 

I had come quite far since then. The sailing years had opened up so many portals to my consciousness and made me deeply aware of the consequences it would have on my life and soul, if I were to continue wasting too much time on the same sort of superficialities of my past. I needed to step it up and gain more out of my life.

Sailing had hardened me and made me better aware of the realities of life. It had connected me back to the core of simplicity after many previous years of yearning for something external and shallow.

I could definitely create a new type of life with an ok balance in Miami if I really wanted to. It just never clicked. The culture there was too absorbed in that which I resisted to invite too much of into my life. I needed more depth. More natural inspiration. Needed to continue connecting with myself. Continue growing from the inside.

I truly believe that once you are at peace with yourself and have found and followed your highest intention, you can be anywhere and with anyone and remain at peace in your beliefs. And not be shaken or distracted by outside whims or pressure. I wasn't quite there yet. I knew I had more work to do on myself. I needed to continue working on my strengths. By continuing to openly speak to my weaknesses. Making myself even more aware of who it was that I was. I had come such a long way during the time at sea. But there was still a lot of work to be done. So many questions I still had to ask myself. And I couldn't find the peace of mind to properly honour my real self in Miami. Also I was longing for a different sort of climate, different sort of nature. Mountains and valleys. Ocean and depth. Closeness to my family and friends. I just didn't know how or when I could achieve all that.

Sometime in the middle/end of my Miami life when the relationship with the sailor had ended, I had somehow got lost in between the world I had belonged to before, and the new life that I wanted to lead.

I had met him six years earlier during a time of my life when I most needed to begin working on myself, and we headed out on a long intense, wild, magical and extremely challenging five year sailing trip where essentially pieces of myself that weren't true, started to fall off. And the essence of who I really was, began to come forth in clearer sight. I was challenged through the adversities that arose by being so close to only one person plus myself for such a long time, far from everyone and everything else. Someone who was so different to myself. We taught each other and ourselves endless lessons. Most often by the hardships we underwent. I was forced to break down many layers of the false me, and I learned immensely about things of real importance. I just couldn't throw all those learnings away now.

The relationship might have come to an end, but the expression of my true self had only just begun.

It sounds so clear and obvious now, but you know how foggy things appear just before a big shift is going to happen. To clear my thoughts and confusion, I left Miami for an East coast road trip by myself. Driving long distance always helps put things into perspective.

Rented a little cottage in the forest of Martha's Vineyard. I was supposed to study on my Health Coaching program, and work on the budget for the café I was soon opening in Downtown Miami.

But the forest kept drawing me in. It kept whispering for me to stop for a moment. To begin to listen again. My whole being craved the natural life. It was almost tangible in the way it wanted to awaken me from the unnatural things that I had unconsciously drawn back into my life.

The sailboats that passed reminded me of the freedom that I craved. Of the possibilities for growth and expansion that I still needed.

I even stopped by a psychic which I had never done before. Always believed that my intuition is my own best guide. It was just that the nagging voice in my head had become so strong yet simultaneously so loud and confusing that I couldn't make sense of what I was supposed to be doing.

Eventually all pieces fell into place. My long time dream of settling by the Mediterranean sea had reappeared in my mind. Of doing something small and intimate rather than big and commercial. I didn't want to wait years to make them reality. I needed to move myself towards it, now.

So one night after I had returned back to Miami, I began googling Mediterranean islands. As quiet and natural as possibly could be. I had first a slight drawing towards Mallorca, Ibiza, and even Menorca. But I knew that I had to take the mature decision to instead lead myself to even more quietness, with much less possibility to be drawn into partying and socializing as, at least the former two, would too easily provide.

My goal was to live in peace and keep growing. And I was old enough now to know that, if I really wanted a real shift in consciousness and continue growing spiritually and intellectually - I had to lead myself in the right direction. Consciously preventing myself from falling into the traps of my weaknesses.

This was the mind map I began drafting. Outlining pros and cons with my move. Although it was quite hard to let down my friend who had provided me the opportunity to build a business in Miami, I couldn't find many other reasons not to take the leap. He just had to understand. I needed to follow my heart.

There's nothing as powerful and important, as setting yourself free from the chains you've previously accepted. I was high on life for many months after I had made the final decision to leave.

And a funny thing that I just realized when looking through my phones photos from this time period, was that in my inspiration folder with images and screenshots of things that inspire me, I had for some reason saved this photo of a calm, pregnant woman. Did my subconscious know what I was headed to...

No memory of how it ended up in my image storage or whose photo it is. Maybe you know?

One of my final Floridian sunsets...

Since I've started organizing my photos (and thoughts) from all the time that I didn't blog so much between 2015-2016, I will be sharing many more stories from that meaningful period with you all soon. So much growth to undergo in life. It definitely helps outlining it all to gain a better sense of how things have progressed. That is a big part of why I have always loved writing and blogging. The therapeutic effect it has had on my life.